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Apr. 2nd, 2008

It's staring at me. That ... thing! It's looking evil!
    Earlier, much earlier, I woke up. I ate a bowl of cheerios, an spoonful of ice-cream and drank an apple juice box. Two actually. She had already left for school or something, so I went outdoors. I managed to find some earthworms while I dug in the dirt near the shed. I played with them and named three.
    Sir Mud
    Sir Squirmy
    Penelophant
Penelophant is my favorite because her name is like Penelope and Elephant -- because she's wrinkly. Anyway, after I climbed a tree and broke some sort of chair or something, I saw it. A red triangle peeking out form the garden. What did I do? I pulled it out. A tiny man was attached to that "triangle" and I immediately let go of it and jumped backwards. It landed on its feet and stared at me.
    I poked it twice on the shoulder and smelled it's hat. I turned for a moment when I heard something in the bushes. When turned back to face the man, there were two more. Hoping to make a peace offering, I pulled Sir Mud out of my pocket and placed him in front of them men in red triangles.

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Stacia bought candy corn! You know what that means! The season is upon us! I'm so excited! Every sentence ends with exclamation! I exclaim!
    Er ... she isn't very sick anymore, and sadly she must return to school. But that's alright, because she broke out the Midnight Syndicate music for us to listen to. She's taking me to the mall later to look at costumes. I want to be a zombie, and she's gonna be a zombie hunter ... but she would never kill me. I'm too awesome. I think I might have to make a mess today. I emptied a bag of buttons into her sock drawer, but that won't do much. Since she's feeling better, I can be mean again. hehehe!
    I found her scarf, and am currently wearing it. It's green and pretty and sparkly. So, it's a bit too girly. It needs some dirt. Yeah! We can make pants pie. I'm not sure what that means, but it was on Drop Dead Fred. That movie is the queen of france! Oh! Cookies. Yum. I haven't seen any old people lately. I've been rather confined to the area. Someone's sending cookies. Anyway, I hope she hasn't died.
    So, Stacia found the venus fly trap, so I put it in the shed. It's been cold, so I think it may have died. Poor ... whatever its name is.
    (The Squirrels probably got him.)
    Yesterday, I broke a stool. I was pretending I was a lion tamer, and well ... the lion got the best of me and the stool. Gonna watch cartoons or make foam in the sink. Or both.
    Sink Foam is the new IT thing to do. Just so you know.
    Okay, so cheese tastes loverly. Especially sharp orange cheddar. Mmmmmnnnum. So does celery.
          Did you think I was serious about the celery? Who do you think I am? Madonna? Nuh-uh. Nope. Celery tastes like celery and that's gross.
    If you eat celery, think twice. It will get you. Zombies eat celery because they can't think for themselves. They also eat flesh. Think about that the next time you want to eat celery. Mwah hah bwah hah huh ... ummmmmmm ch-yeah. Guh. Duh. Buh. Pthub. :P (heheheheheheheh heeeeeeeeee) b- to the ored.
    Sick. Monkey, edible giants. Most flubber kicks pants. Take heed younguns. The celery is stalking. Lol. get it. Stalking. Like a celery stalk.
    BOREDBOREDBORED
BOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBORED
Laugh pickle, laugh. I'm so ... awesome. Explanation for behavior : extreme boredome due to lack of junk food or company.
    EEK, my toe is hot. Pick it.
    I'm so glad Stacia got mono. Now she can be home with me all the time! She ended up making suspenders today. Her, not me. They're red and white striped, just like mine. Of course, I couldn't do much with her, since she's been infected and has to sleep all the time. We did have a nice heart to heart. I told her that whatever happens, I'll always be there to pick her nose. Even if no one else is. Then she got all moody and sad. I tried to cheer her up with a joke, but it didn't help and made it worse. She says she has a funny feeling about something, and that something isn't good.
    She's been feeling rather lonely, and I'm beginning to doubt my powers as imaginary friend will do any good. Guess what her mum did today! It was hilarious! She put the phone down on the stove, and the stove was on. The house smelled like rubber, because the phone had started to melt! Boy, that was funnier than the queen of france! Hah!
    I danced a lot today. I learned the polka and the pole dance. Two very different types of dancing. One involves being intimate with a pole, and the other involves holding a pole and skipping. Well, in the polka, you don't always have to do it with another polish person, but usually people don't polka if they aren't polish. At least, that's what I've been informed. By ... society.
    Speaking of society, I wonder how many people have imaginary friends. Probably not many people have good ones like me. I chase squirrels and tell people how great I am. And talk about birdhouses.
    I've seen a lot of birdhouses, and I highly doubt that if I were a bird I would want to live in one. The openings are so small. I'd probably be a claustrophobic bird anyhow. I saw a really fat bird climb into one today, and I was in utter awe. But not like a holy cow. That'd be udder awe. Get it? No. I bet you don't. Only cool people like me and those fat birds can understand the rare and unique humour of Crispin. I found a pair of sunglasses today. They're kind of ugly, so after the picture was taken, I drew on them with a gold paint marker and make them look like spiderwebs. It's harder to see, but I can see people's faces when they see how cool they are. It's worth it.
    Stacia is staring at the ceiling. I'm not really sure what's wrong, but it's my duty (lol) to find out. I'll go now. She ... hmmmm. Stupid. I need a cupcake. If only someone had a cupcake. She'd probably love them forever if they gave her one. I think she needs sugar. I wonder if we have orange soda .
The one secret desire I have is to rule the squirrels. And exile the rabid ones. Someday I will. I wish I had a cupcake. For Stacia.


   The day started out the same as any other summer morning. I awoke at the foot of her bed, still groggy. I checked to see if she had left by whacking the comforter with the plastic box cover that had been resting on her bureau. The blankets collapsed and there was no groan … no Stacia. Again.

            To my discontent, she had to work again today. All for what? Money? She doesn’t buy me anything anyway, so why would I want her to work? Her sister was home, and I didn’t want her to see me, so I escaped out the window and into the backyard.

            I ate a hearty breakfast of leftover potatoes and most of a corn muffin. It was a bit dry, thus I washed it down with a swig of milk … straight from the carton. She would have slapped me on the head had she seen me do that. Oh well. I put my almost finished muffin back in the bag and left it on the countertop.

            I took a stroll down the road to the toad pond. There were a few buggers hopping about, but I couldn’t catch one. There was one big, fat, brown monster of a toad, but he and I had a staring contest. He won, so he leapt back into the water with a kerplunk.

            After my toad hunting expedition, I headed home. I laid beneath her covers all afternoon. I had a dream about a circus.

            Stacia and I visited a circus … In the beginning, we entered a large tent striped with green and cream. Inside, there were headless people, and a giraffe. I wondered how the headless people got around without hitting things or each other. And that was it, unfortunately. I awoke very disappointed. It was utterly confusing. It confused the bejeezus pants off of me. I want a cupcake.

            She arrived home at around 6: 15 pm. Didn’t say “hi” again, but I suppose that’s because of her soreness. She asked me to punch her in the back, and I gladly agreed. She let me hit her four or five times before she yelled at me for punching too hard. And I accidentally hit her head once. Oops!

            After that, she ate dinner and saved me some cucumbers and vinegar. Yum! We ate them together on the floor in her bedroom. I stuck the chopsticks up my nose. She refused to eat off them afterwards. More for me!  

            Now I’m telling you this story, and she’s watching some movie about birds and magic and wolverine. Ooh, what’s this? A journal?

            She heard me and told me not to touch that Crispin or else. I opened it and she lunged at me with a furious gleam in her eyes. I think I may be missing a section of hair on my left arm. Neat. I am now leaving because she is angry and is a complete nerd. I’m greater than the queen of france, and should like to drink tea and eat a trumpet. Stacia informed me that it’s not Trumpet, it’s crumpet. I figure they’re the same and don’t correct myself.

            Secret #2 The vapor from the snake flows indiscreetly through the holes in the vellum sash over Zeus’ left knee. Heed the vaporous stench pot and prevail.

-Crispin-in-in-dian

p.s. She doesn't work tomorrow! Fun! Hide and seek at one a.m.!

    This week has been strangely difficult. Firstly, she's been gone, so I've been bored. Bored equals bashing my head into things in her bedroom including her television and her corkboard. Just to show my appreciation/ discontent, I left her some bogies. In her pillowcase. Shhh!
    Today was interesting, as always. She went to work, so I went through her things. I found a menagerie of stuffed animals in the cellar. They smelled like mold. I rubbed them on my clothes so I would smell like mold as well. Then, I ran around scaring birds outside as THE MOLD MONSTER! There was a squirrel who, I swear to the queen of france, was about to eat me! It looked so hungry and I must have smelled utterly delicious. It inched closer and closer to me, but I ran back inside before it could give me rabies or some other unmentionable disease spread by squirrel saliva.
    After becoming thoroughly squeeze-your-brains-out bored, I proceeded to count every gnome she owns (14 or so). Then, I read the dictionary and highlighted a random word. I wonder if she'll ever find it. The word is lachrymose. Like in A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS. Lake Lachrymose.
    When she returned home, she didn't even say hello to me and called her boyfriend. I made faces at her behind her back and put dirt into the pockets of her newly washed jeans. Damp dirt. She's still doing something and not acknowledging me, so I'm going to poke her unrelentingly until she decides to talk to me
... 1 hour later ...
    Poking didn't work. Got bored after about 30 seconds. She didn't even look at me.
    I went into the basement and changed my clothes. Found a pair of red and white striped suspenders. I'm wearing them now. I also found a bunch of hats. I'm wearing a yellow stretchy headband, but my hair's sticking out of the top in a fluffy poof. I put it on her head once, but she took it off and chucked it into the hallway. I think she's mad at me.
    What could I have done? Do you think she found the boogers? Probably not. What about ... oh. Nevermind. I know why. You don't.
    So, I guess I'll go to bed. I'm planning a trip to the retirement home. I've got a walking date with Agness at eight. She smells like mild cheddar cheese. It's quite delightful. Her husband smells like garlic bread crust and cat food. Not the greatest combination. He's going in for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so I'm going to keep her mind off things. Especially his colon. Besides, who wants their mind on a colon. Not me. Nope.
    Imma go and see what's up with my wonderful friend. I'm here for a reason, and that's to make her less crazy than she is. I'm not the sanest way to do that, exactly, but it helps.
    Tah tah poppets. Take care of the toast and tea while we go to the post office for a lamp. Tosh, I've got a spoon in my eye, see the metallic gleam?
    -Crispy Crisp Crispin.
p.s. I have a secret.
Hold your cake and it will shine for the stars in the moat of macaronivilleton. Waiter, I'll have the cheese.

    As all luck would have it, she dragged me to the mall today. Despite my desperate attempts to escape, my resistance was futile -- as all resistance seems to be. She did find something I'll probably steal at least once from her wardrobe ... if I'm in the mood to wear a sweatshirt with faces on it. Candy apples with faces, that is.
    I'm so tired. I've been up all day exploring. I found a treasure map stuck to the bottom of my shoe on a gum wrapper. It's hard to see, since there's bits of chewed gum stuck to it, but I believe it will lead me to a magnificent treasure. Off to bed. Early to rise tomorrow. She will be gone, so I can use her bedroom as home base. I've got a secret ...
   
Pie. The man with the pie has the answers.     So, yes. I've got to go. I've got an itch like the Queen of France on my toe. *Gasp!* My toe is hot ... pick it! Stacia would love that! I think I'll go bug her. I have a sneaking suspicion someone is watching me. Perhaps it's the Nargles. Luna wasn't joking about those things. They're particularly pesky. Oh! I almost forgot ... don't forget to water Ickarus tomorrow. Ickarus is my pet venus fly trap. I feed him pepperoni and ants. He's neat. Stacia does not know about him. I'm keeping him under the porch in the backyard. Hah! She'll never know. Well, unless she reads this ... which she will.

    Pancakes ... toast ... blimey ... ghost!

p.s. My lucky button has gone missing. If you see it -- don't think it'll make you lucky. It looks kind of like ... a button. There, that should help.

Doo dee da dum dee doo (x 1 trillion).

    Sitting in the dark is rather frightening, so I sing to myself. I'm rather loud and obnoxious when I "sing". Must ... put ... quotations ... around ... "sing" because mostly I engage in hollering of a non-melodic variety. Beat keeping, I must say, is mighty difficult for me.
    Guess what I did today? No, not sit in the dark. Well, I did that too, but anyway ... I ran outside in the rain. Then, I was soaking wet. Then, I walked to a nursing home, got a whiff of the elderly, and left. I did take one woman for a walk, though. She was nice. I patted her head when I left and gave her a treat.
    She (not the lady I walked with) says I shouldn't treat the elderly like dogs. I told her that I don't, but she scolded me anyway. She just doesn't understand. They're nice, but they just smell funny. Besides, I thought they liked taking walks. Oh well. Maybe I won't do that anymore. I'll sure miss them. :(
    I've put on another air freshener. I'm not certain where I get them, they just sort of appear in my pockets sometimes. I wear them to smell super fresh. Although, it'd be neat if another scent mysteriously appeared in my waistcoat pocket sometime. Sometimes I wear a waistcoat.
    Yellow is nice. It's the color of galoshes, and Winnie the Pooh, and the sun sort-of (although looking straight at it burns my corneas), bananas when ripe, daffodils, half of bumblebees, and makes up part of orange. Red is an integral part of orange as well, but we'll discuss this another day.
    Today I ate three pieces of starfruit. It was like eating tiny pieces of starfish that live in the ocean. Is starfruit made from starfish. I don't think so. I think it just gets its name from its shape -- the starfruit. And the starfish. She dissected a starfish once. Wish I couldv'e seen. I fancy the star-shape. I also ate a corner of a strawberry pop-tart and left the rest on the floor, making sure to smash it up all crumbly-like so the ants could carry it away later. She yelled at me. I make mischief, apparently. I don't see it ...
    Anyhow, I drank a quart of orange juice and drew my own interpretation of the Mona Lisa on my forearm in magic marker. Some of it came off when I took a nap on my arm, so now pieces of her face are on mine. I drool sometimes when I sleep (always).
    I feel bad for ants. They're always getting squashed, or burned by magnifying glasses and the sun. Or worse ... being exterminated by professional ant-assassins. A.K.A. - pest control! She told me she'd call pest control on me!
    I am not a pest. - My version of Ex-President Nixon's speech. Yeah, I know President stuff sometimes.
    Speaking of orange juice, I threw a peanut at her cat today, and it ran behind the couch. Then, I cut off the legs of a stool and leaned it against the wall. No one has sat in it yet. Just wait! Fun!
    You know what's fun, hopscotch. I played for a whole fifteen minutes today until the rain washed away the pink chalk I used to draw it. Once the 3 was gone, I knew I was stuck. So, I hopped my way inside and drew a treasure map. I drew it on the back of some important paper she said she needed. I figured she was more likely to see it if I drew it on something she'd look at again. She looked at it alright. Then she looked at me. Then she threw an apple at my head. But I threw it back, and it accidentally hit her in leg, and she has a bruise. I throw harder than I thought. She forgave me, but made me clean the toilet.
    I used her hairbrush ... Shhh!
     I wouldn't use her toothbrush because that's gross.
    So, I played coroner today. The neighbors cat brought me a decapitated mouse, and I figured out the cause of death. Aside from the obvious lack of head appendage, it was also not breathing. That was my observation. Clever, eh? I mean, if it isn't breathing, it's obviously going to expire. Duh!
    I also watched cartoons upside-down in a rocking chair. What a time! I think all cartoons are best viewed upside down. The blood-rush to the head makes dull ones funny, and funny ones even funnier.
    It makes really funny ones hurt my brain.
   - Tea and lemons are a good combination. I like ice. Trees make paper and I have ten toes.   
                         -Crispin